Screaming....

You know, I would have thought the little girl in the family would have been the one to scream her head off when she was in trouble. And she did, for a while when she was really tiny and didnt get her way she would scream one of those "wake the dead and make them wish they were dead again screams." HOWEVER, she learned very quick that the screaming doesnt do a bit of good. So she stopped for the most part. She is 3 now and occassionally has that scream, but that is just when her brother is driving her nuts.

I have found out in the last few days, that my almost 6 year old son, can and will scream bloody murder if he doesnt get what he wants. Yesterday in the car I took a Halloween costume magazine away from him for throwing a fit and he screamed not once, but 3 freaking times. I finally had to tell him that if he didnt stop he was going to get into a lot of trouble. He stopped the screaming, but continued to whine and be a little brat. Well today I had to send him to his room for something, to be honest, I cant remeber what it was for, probly being to loud, and again with the bloody curdling scream... WTH is up with that? So I had to introduce my son to the fine art of if you scream, or in his older brothers case, talk back or say naughty words, you get to have a teaspoon of vinager. It taste gross, but isnt bad for you and will not hurt you. Just makes them stop and think, I am not wanting to taste that horrible taste again, I better not scream anymore. He definatly didnt like it. And went quietly up to his room.

A whole year?

Wow, Where does time go? There have been so many things happen in this last year. Some good and some not so good. But we learn from them and move on.

Since it is October, and October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, I want to point out how important it is to make sure you ladies get your yearly check ups. Do self exams and if anything seems out of the ordinary, GET IT CHECKED!! There are free clinics that do Mamograms out there, and Please please when you get a chance donate to Cancer research.

You see I have a passion for this subject. I just lost my mom to Cancer. It started out as Breast Cancer, that was found in 2004. She was working as a caregiver for a lady who had Cancer, and was takeing out the trash, when she fell and broke her shoulder. At the ER when they took her shirt off to exam her, the nurse noticed the lump in her breast right away, and asked her about it. My mom said she didnt realize it was there. Which I think was just her trying to cover up for the fact that while she knew about it, she didnt have insurance to do anything about it.
After doing a lot of calling around to get help for her, they started, Chemo and Radiation, just to make the lump small enough that they could safely remove her breast. Yes it was that big. A year later, they found Cancer cells popping up. So more Chemo, and then she was fine for a while. The drs said that since the Breast Cancer hadnt been taken care of soon enough it acted like a dandilion and blew Cancer seeds all over her body which would lay dormant for a while and pop up every now and then.
Then in the Spring of 2008, her back was hurting her really bad, so off to the dr she went and ended up in the hospital with a crushed spine. Due to the Chemo, and the Radiation, it had made her bones very brittle and easy to break if she moved wrong. They also found Cancer in her throat, Thyroid, remaining Breast and a rib. The drs were unsure of what to do for her, and after days of talking they decided to fix her back. After a nine hour surgery she had a metal "ladder" going up her back. and cement in her backbone. But they couldnt do anything about the Cancer, until she was healed up from surgery, so the Cancer had 3 more months to grow.
Three months later her left cheek was swollen, it was full of Cancer, so they had to do radiation on it. This burned her eye and she wasnt able to do things she loved anymore like read or play on the computer. The kids and I visited her everyday, and I can honestly tell you, I was so scared that I would go to her house and find her gone.

Finally in July of this year (09), the drs said that the Cancer Markers had gone up to much, even with the weekly chemo. There was nothing more that they could do. Hospic was called in and we all made sure she knew we loved her. She went from being able to go to the store with me, to not being able to walk to the bathroom in just a 2 week period of time. On Monday Sept 14th we moved her into a nurseing home. Her caregiver wasnt able to give her all the care she needed and it was just easier to have her where there was 24 hour care. We went and saw her everyday. On Wed, just 2 days after she got there, we were there joking with her about takeing up a new career in pole danceing as her roomate had a transfer pole by her bed, and it looked like a pole for danceing on. She talked about how nice the people were and how sweet her roommate was.
Then Thursday we went to see her, and she wasnt doing to good, so I asked her if she wanted us to come back later, she nodded yes, so I told the kids to say goodbye to nana, D, kinda did, but R refused to. She said, "He not my Nana!" and got scared and made me pick her up. A few hours later, the nurse called and told me that my moms O2 stats were down to 36,and they were supposed to be between 90 and 100. She said that we should come say our goodbyes as she has never seen anyone whos O2s were that low, that was alive. So I took the kids to my MILs, picked up our friend T and R and headed over to the home. We met my Uncle G there, who said that he had to leave the room and make sure that it was my mom in the bed, as she didnt look the same at all. And he was right, even in one day she looked so diffrent. Not like my mom at all. Friends and family came to tell her they loved her, and my BFF from high school came down from Salem to be with me, as well as my friend M from Portland. Unfortunatly my hubby was in Norway for a business trip. We went back to my house and cleaned floors till I couldnt clean anymore.and went to bed. At a little after 7 am, T who wouldnt leave moms side all night called and said we needed to get down there. So me and the 2 M's headed down with R in tow. About 10 minutes till 9 am on Friday Sept 18th God took my mom in his arms and took her home. She was surrounded by all of us telling her we loved her and that it was ok to go. She wasnt in anymore pain and now she is with my little sister.

R's birthday

R had a GREAT birthday party this last Sunday. A bunch of family and friends were able to make it to celebrate her special day with us. We are sad that Aunt Yo-Yo, Aunt Shannon, Aunt Shala and her cousins, as well as her big brother B, couldnt be there, but they were there in spirit. Here is our princess first thing in the morning on her day. Very sleepy and wearing the t-shirt that Grandpa Jim and Grandma Julie got her. For a 3t it really fits her pretty good.

Her cake. Everyone loved it and she was in love with the Ellallalla that was on it. (For those that dont speak R, that is Cinderella.)

Look at the awsome bath toys that Nana and Papa got her. They must have known she needed more toys for the tub.


Her give from her other nana. Poor Prince Charming had to take a trip back to the store because his arm kept falling off, but he was replaced, with a new and even better Prince.



Look at a few of the great people that came to our party!!





She loved the cake, but wanted NOTHING to do with the candles, so mama had to blow them out for her.





This is what it's all about....



Today one of her gifts from mama and daddy got left by the fed ex guy.





Ok babys ride is over, its my turn. (this is where I point out that little miss thing hates to sit in her own stroller.)




Isnt this how you are supposed to play?

Tomorrow is the first day of preschool

So tomorrow D gets to go back to school. He is so excited to see his friends from last year. He finished up swim lessons. Can you believe that the sessions were 2 weeks long for each one, and he went all summer and stayed in the same class? He can do the front and back float in the baby pool, but is to scared to do it in the pool that is just a little bit deeper. So that held him back. Maybe next summer he will not be as scared. I am ok with it. I am not sure that S is. He really wants D and R to be above the rest so to speak. Silly man will just have to learn to accept things the way they are.

R is 2 years old now. Her birthday was last thursday and today she went to the dr for her 2 year appoinment. She is 32 inches tall, and 22 pounds. I wish she would grow just a little, just so I can go cloths shopping for her. LOL

B is doing SOOO good the last few weeks. I was so happy to get a letter from him last week telling me, "thank you for asking me all those hard questions at visit. It upset me, but it made me feel good to talk to you like a adult." Isnt that AWSOME?!? He is also working harder on his school work, although he failed his US States test. He said he studied hard for it, and knew them all, but when he sat there to take the test his mind went blank, I TOTALLY understand where he is comeing from as I have test anxiety to.

Forgive my complaining

Ok I know that I usually only write about the crap stuff that is happening in my life. And I am sorry but tonight/this morning is going to be another venting post.

This weekend we went and saw B. We had a parent/student workshop on Friday and were supposed to visit with him all day on Sat. We got there in time to eat breakfast with him on friday, and he looks FANTASTIC!! He has lost a little over 20 pounds and looks so happy. Not angry like he always did. Then it was on to our meetings. It was pretty much the same stuff as we did the last time, but review doesnt do anyone any harm. It was fun to do the trust exercises with him to. After lunch the workshop part was over and we got to hang out with him for a while. We played phase 10 and talked. B really started to open up to us about his drug and alcohol useage. I knew he had done both, but really didnt know he had started at the end of his 7th grade year, or what all he had done. It really felt good that he was opening up. We also talked about last week when he got into the teachers desk and stole the rubber cement to huff it. I was SOOO angry that he had stole it with the intention to do that, and while I am still very disapointed in him, I was very happy to learn that when they had group about it, B for the first time in years stood up and said "I did it." At first he said well this kids did it, but quickly told them that it really was him. 3 months ago, he never would have admitted to doing it. He would have gone to his grave blaming someone else. This is a huge step for B.
Well our all day visit on Sat, ended up being only 1 hour. After we left on Friday he didnt want to settle back into routine and gave the staff a lot of trouble. So he actually had to earn his one hour visit. It was nice for the little kids to get to see him, and I guess that is what counts.

No onto the vent. Tonight, (last night since its 4 am,) I get a call from his stepmom. They had been there to see B earlier for their day with him, and to do their workshop. Well all they see is the negative stuff. Which really frustrates me. She called to say that they wanted us to not visit him basically until he meets the next level. Which we were already planning anyway, but not for the reasons that they wanted it.

B has only made it to the second level, which is the communications level. Most kids after being there this long have already made it to Mastery which is the 3rd level. BUT not all kids that have been there have. He, from what I could understand felt that he was only going to be there for 14 months so he could just skate by and not do any of the work to get to the next levels. Try to do the I will do as little as I have to because I wont be here that long anyway thing. Well it doesnt work like that. 14 months is the MINIMUM that he will be there. We finally got him to understand that I think. Now what he does with it, I dont know. This is why she and his dad do not want us to see him. Use it as a incentive to get B to do his work. Which is a good idea in a lot of ways, but her conversation rubbed me the wrong way. They talked to Kelly (staff member) about him not being up the level, and got the impression that B was a rare case of being on this level for so long, which isnt true. That and all the negative things she felt the need to point out.

1. He isnt on Mastery
2. He has turned in only 10% of his schoolwork.
3. He still throws huge fits.
4. The glue incedent.

Well yeah, he has only turned in 10% of his schoolwork. But what about looking at the posative side. That is 10% MORE homework than he was turning in before he went to that school.

Yes he still throws fits, but they are fewer and farther between fits. Instead of haveing one every night, he is going weeks in between fits and they are not as big in the fact that he has stopped hitting walls, and windows.

And yes, he did do the glue thing, but he confessed to doing it. Which like I said, he would never do even 3 months ago.

She went on to tell me that they think that since he isnt working that hard on his schooling that they should just let him work towards his GED. WRONG!! He will work towards finishing school. I will not allow him to just give up. They are giving up on him before he has much time to prove himself. He has gone 2 1/2 years with doing NOTHING at school, to doing his work for the 5 months he is there. She also said that if he doesnt make it past level one before he leaves that place he will not be allowed to stay in their home. WRONG AGAIN LADY!! you took me to court to get the right to have him at your house part time, get the right to make the choices for him that you both do today, you are NOT going to not let him come back. Unless of course your butts want to go back to court.


I guess the thing that is the most upsetting to me is, a few weeks ago during one of his calls home I got to hear how good he had been since his fathers visit a few times. Then the next day I got a copy of one of his writting assinments about why he always just quits instead of pushing on at a task, and he said, "that because people like his teachers and even his mom, never cared if he quit or not." And to top things all off, while we were there this friday we went up to see his room and he had a bunch of pictures of his dad, step mom and their 2 kids hanging all over the wall, and when asked where the pictures of our family were, he said "they are in one of my drawers somewhere."

All that, and I am the one who is giving up on him?

Why do I let it bug me?

I know that when B says something negative about me and not his dad, that is because he trust me more, knows for sure that I will never leave him, that I will never turn my back on him, ect... But GOSH DANG IT, I am so tired of being the bad guy that gets all the freaking blame.

Last night in our weekly phone call, I got to hear how good B has been doing since his fathers visit up there. (such as it was, they stayed for 4 hours and that was it.) And then today I got a copy of one of his writing assignments about why he always chooses to quit instead of press on. One thing he said was "Another reason I quit is because nobody really cared if I quit, including teachers and sometimes my mom. He also said that his only punishment for quiting was getting grounded. WTH was I supposed to do, beat him? Then one thing that lead him to quit whatever it was that got him the assignment was that he was thinking about something that he and I talked about on the phone. I have no idea what it was, or really if it was good or bad, but again it seems like he is useing me as a excuse, and that could just be my hurt feelings from the reading that I didnt care.

So I talked to S and he said that its because he trust me to not leave if he upsets me, I talked to Joan at the school and she said the same thing. I try very hard not to be negative about Bs dad, but it is SOOO hard when I sit and see all the things I have done to help B, and his father just sits back on the sidelines and takes credit and glory for everything I do, yet if it doesnt go right I am the first to get blamed. Joan agrees with me that B's dad is trying as hard as he can to get out of going to the student/parent workshops. But the joke is on B's dad, the August workshop that he cant make it to except on Sunday to go visit, they are going to do a special workshop for B and his dad that day!!!!

Oh he is doing better in school now to. The Focalin (sp) and Risperdal (sp) seem to be a good combo. His grades are going back up and he is working harder on stuff instead of sleeping at his desk and not doing his work. He has also stopped cussing at staff. He is cussing more at the other students, but well that is normal for a bunch of teenage boys. Joan also told me that while he is a big handful, certainly not the easiest boy they have had there he definatly is not the hardest case they have had either.

Curves and a call from B

So I joined Curves about a month ago and I LOVE it. I feel so good when I leave there, which to me is just weird. I am hot, sweaty, tired and sore, yet so energised that I feel really good about myself. So even if I dont loose any weight, at least I feel good.

However I think I have lost weight. I went out and bought a pair of capris, in a size smaller than what I wore 3 months ago, and they are big on me. YAY!!!

B called last night, he told us that while he is really mad at me and S for sending him to the boarding school, he isnt mad at his dad. Logically I understand why he is mad at me and not his dad. He figured that his dad would never pay for it, so therefor it would never happen. S and I are paying for it, and have made it happen. So logicaly I do understand. It does hurt me a little that I am always the "bad" guy in these situations. I know that S and I have more money to get resorces like this for B, but why does it always have to be my fault? Why does his dad get away with all the stuff smelling like a rose and I am the bad guy. There are so many times that I want to throw in that "I" was the one who was there from birth until age 7, who wiped his tears, who worked to get him the things that he needs, and now S is there doing all that. We make memories for him, even if it is just going to a movie, or playing b-ball in the park. What does his dad do? So I explained to Brett that I do understand him being mad at me, but that he needs to understand that if his dad didnt agree to him going it never would have happened. He seemed to understand.

He was also mad that we didnt tell him he was going to the school until the day before we took him up there. I explained to him that with the knowledge of how he has acted in the past we made the desision based on that. We had to do things for not just ours and the little kids safty, but for his as well.

I do hope that one day he will get over his anger at us for sending him to the school. I know that he understands that its a good thing for him, (he told me so) so maybe that will help him with the anger. I hope so, caues I really love him and I know deep in my heart that he is a great kid and will go far in life, if he chooses to work at it.

Swim lessons and brusies

Wow, what a week we have been haveing.

D is in his second week of swim lessons and doing great. Today he actually put his hand on top of his head and pushed himself down under water. Funny yes, AWSOME even more so. I am so glad that he isnt scared of the pool anymore. We signed him up for the next session today as well. I am going to hold off on the mommy/baby classes as R just doesnt seem to be into the water as much this week. Today she wouldnt let go of her baby long enough to go in the water.

Here he is floating in the water.

R and her nose. She threw a fit for daddy while I was off at Curves working out. I know that we should do what the Triage nurse said and ignor that behavior, (getting on her hands and knees and smacking her face into the floor when she doesnt get what she wants.) But dang I was MAD at S. I know that he was trying to be a good dad and not give in to her, but just picking her up for 2 minutes would not have killed him. She would have either fell asleep on his shoulder, or got down and played. As it turned out she was so upset with him that she wouldnt go to him for a few hours after that. I guess that if she hadnt had the marks on her nose and bruise on her forhead I probly wouldnt have gotten upset. Yes I am over reacting. LOL

Oh yeah, last night the lady that cuts our hair came over to give us all haircuts. Well she finished cutting D's hair and he got out of the chair, she looked at R and asked her if she was going to get her hair cut, normally R is not to thrilled with people she doesnt see every day, well she shook her head yes and climbed up into the chair and let our friend cut her hair. I was SOOO shocked.

Isnt she cute? Even with a red nose.

Sunny days, Stormy nights and BBQS

Yesterday was a pretty kicked back lazy day. I got to sleep in, while daddy took the little kids down to play and eat breakfast. I got up and we couldnt decide what we wanted to do, go swimming or go to Hayward field to watch the Olympic pre-trials. We ended up doing neither one.
We walked around the mall for a bit, bought D and R a extra swimsuit each since they are takeing lessons. Well R is going to be next session with mama. And I looked for non nurseing bras. YAY!! a real bra. Unfortunatly I couldnt find any I liked so I went to Wal-mart later to get some.
After shopping I took the kids and went to my friends house and had a BBQ while S went to play poker with friends from work. Thank goodness the weather started to cool down from the 98 degrees it was. The Chicken was YUMMY!! and so was the potatoe salad that I admitt that I kept sneaking bites of while waiting for the rest of the food to cook. Shame on me.
The best part of the night though was after I got home, the thunder and lightning started full force. D, decided that he didnt want to sleep in his room so he snuggled in bed with me and R and watched the movie Cars. They both fell asleep about the same time. To bad my camera was in car, they were so cute.
Oh and night 2 of no nurseing went pretty good, R cried for a few, watched Cars, cried for a few, played with D, cried for a few, then fell asleep. She did wake up once and cried for a few minutes cause she couldnt nurse, but all in all night 2 was pretty good.

Can you get CPS called on you for CIO?

R is 22 months old (today, YAY) and I want my boobs back. Last night we laid in bed, with her trying as hard as she could to get my hand up to open up my bra for her to nurse to sleep. After about a half hour of her screaming and crying she finally fell asleep. She did wake up once in the middle of the night and wanted to nurse, to which I said no, cuddled her, and we both went back to sleep. At around 7 she woke up, said mama real softly while patting my boob and I softly said no, she rolled over cuddled and was asleep in a few seconds.

I honestly dont remeber how long it took to wean D, and that B, weaned on his own. I do hope that R. doesnt take that long.


I got to talk to B yesterday on the phone. It was a good chat. We had a visit review, which we all (includeing the director that monitors the calls) felt was a very good visit. B, has also handled the goodbye part really well. He did cry a bit, but well that is to be expected. But he had a great week afterwards, and has promised to try to get all his stuff done so he can make mastery level so in August we can take him off campus for the visit. One of his projects between now and then is to figure out something that we can do with him off the school grounds that doesnt involve a lot of me carrying R up and down hills.

My mom is doing pretty good to. I talked to her yesterday and she is determined to be able to get back to walking and getting up and down by herself before she leaves rehab. I guess she just didnt listen when the social service lady said that she wouldnt be able to do that stuff. LOL Leave it to my family to be full of stubborn people that will go out of their way to prove the "higher ups" wrong. I am glad that God has given her the strength to say, I am going to fight.

Oh and as predicted, the toys are all over the floor and the living room needs cleaned again. LOL

My house is clean!!

There is nothing better than clean floors, and toys in the toybox. I know that it will not last long as D and R have a way of taking out every toy in the house in 10 seconds flat. So I will cherish it while I can.


Speaking of toys, I almost cant wait for the day that they outgrow the little kids toys. I do love the ages that they are, but I want my living room to be a living room again, not a toy room. The irronic thing, we have a toy room. Which is also filled with toys. As well as toys in my room, the spare room, the computer room, and the garage. Oh and did I mention that 3 months ago I went through and got rid of 5 big bags of toys? Yes my kids have to much crap. But I guess that since they are pretty well behaved, (not perfect, by no means,) and are not allowed to get away with things, I dont feel to bad. I do think that S, and I buy to much for them, but I know for me at least its because I grew up with so little that I dont want them to go without.

Where do I start?

Life is so interesting lately. My mom is in a rehab center learning to walk again and battleing Cancer, my 15 year old B is in a Theraputic boarding school for hard to handle kids, my 4 year old, D, is in swim lessons and my 22 month old, R, just crapped on the floor. LOL

Isnt life grand?